While Taxiing the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on
Delta! Stop right there! I know it's difficult for you tell
the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till
I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am" the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate
ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit
at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to
you once?"
The controller working a busy
pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty, a move normally
used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout
after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
Unknown aircraft: "I'm #%$&
bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was #%$& bored, not
#%$& stupid!
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7. did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt
Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
ones' gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance
from them. So it was with some amusement that we in a Pan Am 747
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and
a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
"Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In
another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't
stop."
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for
start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
When one engine fails on a twin engine
airplane,
remember you always have enough power left to
get you to the scene of the crash.
Navy Truism: There are more planes
in the
ocean than there are submarines in the air.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or
famous
last words) in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?" and "Ooh Darn!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we
never left one up there!
Flying the aircraft is more important
than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding it or doing anything about it.
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
What is the similarity between air
traffic controllers and
pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If the air
traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.